platinum weddings

Does anyone watch that show on WE? It's frightening. Did you know that some brides can spend up to 85K on flowers? Can I tell you that 85K is more than I make in a year?

So, I already don't really enjoy wedding planning, much to Fiance's (nee Boyfriend) dismay. It's just SUCH a scam! We had a wedding planner tell us that we should plan on spending $8000 on pictures. What? I don't need an $8000 photo album in my living room that no one else is going to look at except my parents, thank you very much. And flowers? Don't even get me started. They die. In a day. I'm not spending $4000 on flowers that I will never look at/touch/smell again.

Sigh, needless to say, I'm not one of those women who has planned their fairy princess wedding since she was a little girl. Here's the thing about me: I HATE being the center of attention. I HATE planning parties. And I don't look good in white.

It's a good thing that he is kind of into it, because thus far, he has done most of the planning. And I have a feeling he will continue to do most of the planning.

I actually feel terrible that Fiance is more into this than I am.....so here is my list of what I'm REALLY looking foward to about my upcoming nuptuals.

1. Walking with my dad down the aisle.
2. Seeing the look on Fiance's face when he sees me in my dress.
3. Being introduced as man and wife.
4. Seeing all my best friends and family in one room.
5. Signing the marriage certificate.
6. Dancing my fanny off with my Besty's
7. Leaving the reception knowing that we threw such an excellent party that all my friends will be hungover.

milestones.....

Graduating college. Moving to San Francisco. Buying a brand new sofa. Switching from CDs to my Ipod. These have all been major milestones in my life. Saturday afternoon, I passed the most important milestone of all when Boyfriend asked me to marry him.

It came as very little surprise to any of my friends and family….. or me for that matter. We have been talking about getting married since about, oh, our fourth date. But I was still speechless when he asked….which never really happens.

I’m so thankful that Boyfriend and I took a chance on each other. I met him at an inopportune time in my life….when I was still reeling from a very painful break-up and needing a break from dating. He was not what women refer to as “good on paper.” He was jobless. He was traveling the US and living out of his truck. He was crashing on friend’s sofas. His permanent address was his mother’s.

Conversely, he took some chances when he cut his travels short and made the choice to live in an expensive city far from him family and friends.

And yet, it made perfect sense for us to go on our first date even though he was leaving the next day for an indefinite period of time to surf in Southern California. I never had a moments doubt that he wouldn’t come back, wouldn’t pick up the phone when I called, wouldn’t return my emails. I knew with 100 percent certainty that he and I were going to somehow be linked to each other.

And now we are. Permanently and legally.

I challenge you....

To read this blog and NOT sing Holiday Road for the rest of the day.

Houseboating 2006: A tradition

Hello readers.

Last week a friend of mine pointed out that she read my blog to find out how I’m doing. It’s not really why I started my blog, to correspond with my friends, but what the heck? I actually started my blog to talk about books, and I haven’t been doing very much of that lately either.

So, here’s a little update story about our Houseboating 2006 adventure last weekend at Lake Shasta. I have been houseboating with friends every summer for 5 years now and it’s probably my favorite personal tradition I have. We do nothing except lay around (a lot), eat (a lot), drink (wow, A LOT), play Uno (a lot) and read celebrity magazine (more than we should)

Here’s bit of a highlight:

This was the only healthy thing we ate for 3 days.


We like old skool Uno games.


The lake is SO pretty.


Those are two of my friends who can’t be recognized and therefore can’t be stalked online.


One of my friends (who shall remain nameless) clogged the toilet…..a first in houseboating history.


Ali made a SUPER pork tenderloin.


We talked A LOT of how my friends can grip things with their toes and I can't.


And here is where I reveal myself to the information superhighway as the DORK THAT I AM. (I just plucked my eyebrows. Don't they look good?)

Who knew?

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Remember when she took over for Mrs. Garrett on the Facts of Life? Oh, those were good days. I did not realize she was quite so strong. Did you?

My favorite quote from Weeds

So, as per usual....I am a day late in hopping on good television bandwagon.

I JUST starting watching Weeds and any show that boasts this awesome quote as GOT to rock: "I'm not a dealer, I'm a mother who happens to distribute illegal products through a sham bakery set up by my ethically questionable CPA and his crooked lawyer friend."

God, that's good.

Review: Sex with Kings

First, this book has a big old naked lady on the cover, so if you ride the bus or subway to work, you might want to consider some sort of book cover if you are prone to embarrasment, which I am not.

Second, if you are not prone to embarrassment, you MIGHT want to consider that in the middle of the book, there is a very large painting of two naked women pinching each other's breasts. I'm just saying.....be aware of that. Because I think the very old Russian women sitting next to me this morning might have had a heart attack.

Ok, now that we have that out of the way....my sister gave me this book as a birthday present because I think she wants to read it and didn't want to buy a book for herself with a naked lady on it because she is a minister and that would damage her rep. It's just a theory, but I think I'm on to something.

Also, both my sister and I have this thing for books about kings and queens. We have spent WAY too much time reading Philippa Gregory books about Henry VIII, Queen Elizabeth, etc.

So, here is what is pretty good about this book: There is A LOT of dirt. The author knows a lot about the sex lives of kings from Charles II to Prince Charles (I would really like to know how I can get a job researching the sex lives of kings, by the way). For instance, apparently Louis XIV had a very very VERY small penis. Oh, and the mistress of Henri II used to get him all hot and bothered before sending him off to his queen to try and get her pregnant. He would then come back to her bed after having sex with the queen.

This book is not so much of an biography of the mistresses, (although quite a bit of time is spent on Madame du Pompadour, who was the mistress of Louis XV for more than 15 years despite her being sexually frigid) but more of a commentary of the art of being a mistress to a king.

Mistresses went to unbelievable lengths to become mistresses, and then even more incredible effort was spent KEEPING the king. For instance, evidence pointed to Madame de Montspan, mistress to Louis XIV, of kidnapping infants to sacrifice in order to make potions and spells to maintain his love. Her garden unearthed hundreds of corpes of babies, but the king didn't want the scandal so he never had her charged with the murders.


What's bad about the book: It's UNBELIEVABLY disorganized. In fact, it was pretty clear to me that that author's editor was on vacation or something. The book could have (should have) been organized chronologically, but instead it jumps centuries and continents in the course of one page. I also could have a job aid to keep all the Louis's and Louise's and Charles and Fredericks's straight.

Anyway, sis......I think you'll be fine reading this book. Just don't show it to your congregation.

:)

1,006

Thank you, dear readers. I checked my hitcounter today for the first time in several months and it seems that I have picked up a few loyal readers in the past several months. In fact, I have had 1,005 hits in the short time I have started this silly little blog.

I realize that most of my readers are in fact my family (hi sis!), but there are a few of you out there who I don't know so I thank you for tuning in to my hopelessly scattered thoughts about cooking, books, boys and Project Runway.

I will try and focus my attentions on keeping this blog more up to date.

So, here's a teaser.....I'm reading a wicked good book about king's mistresses. Oh la la. We've got sex, beheadings, poisonings....it's got it ALL. More to come this weekend.

An Amendment.

So, in re-reading my post and getting the tiniest rash of shit from Boyfriend and my sister.....I will acknowledge that PERHAPS I sound a little bitter toward men. (And since I just heard that Boo’s boyfriend is a reader of this site……let me assure Boo’s ex-boyfriend that I didn’t pee on his sofa……that was a joke...)

Dear Readers…..let me assure you, I’m not bitter toward mean. I love men. Boyfriend is a wonderful man. The BEST man. My father is an excellent man. My sister married a good man. I work with some lovely men. A lot of my friends are married to awesome men.

I am, however, bitter about Break-Ups. I’m over bad break-ups and they way men behave during breakups. Here are a few break-up stories from my closest girlfriends.

1. One friend was abandoned at a restaurant during a break-up. Her boyfriend just went to the bathroom and never came back. He called her from a cab and broke up with her while she was receiving her entrée.
2. Another friend received a text message in the middle of the night while she was sleeping that it “just wasn’t working.”
3. Another friend was told by her boyfriend’s *friend* that her boyfriend was moving to New York (already had his apartment and plane ticket) and he hadn’t told her.
4. One friend’s husband left her because he was having an affair. The catch was that he denied having the affair and told her it was over because my friend was “too superficial.”
5. One girlfriend’s boyfriend called her from a bar and notified her that being around the really cute girls in the bar made him realize he wasn’t attracted to her anymore.
6. One girlfriend was forced to break-up with her boyfriend after she walked in to his bedroom and found him receiving a blow job from the neighbor.
7. One friend was broken up with on a Post-It……wait, no, that was Carrie Bradshaw.

Do you see where I’m going? I just don’t understand why these men, who are by all other accounts good, attentive boyfriends, must behave so badly during break-ups. (I know, I know, women behave badly too, but I’m a woman and today I’m representin’.) Is it so far from the realm of possibility to treat the break-up with the same level of respect as the relationship? Is that too much to ask?

I’m frustrated that my girlfriends going through this. I’m tired of seeing my girlfriends become more and more gun shy and more and more reserved in their approach to dating because they have been hurt. I am bummed out that my single girlfriends are fantastic, beautiful women and they are forced to date not-so fantastic men. I’m annoyed because I know A LOT of single, fantastic HOT women, and not one single man to set them up with.

So, no…..not bitter. Just fed up.

another open letter....

Today’s post is in honor of my friend Boo, who is currently going through the private hell called “Breaking Up with a Live-In Boyfriend Who Informed Her He Wanted To Break Up For a Year.”

Boo and I have been discussing her break-up at length for the past few days…..as girlfriends tend to do…….and we have realized why break-ups seem easier for men than women…..Because men secretly break-up with women WHILE THEY ARE STILL IN THE RELATIONSHIP, but they don’t tell the women they are breaking up.

Seriously, men go through all the emotions associated with the break-up WHILE they are still dating the woman….. and the woman just thinks that he’s going through a rough time so she is really supportive of him…….WHILE HE IS SECRETLY BREAKING UP WITH HER!

Omigod……we have TOTALLY just stumbled on to ground-breaking territory. I feel like I should call Oprah or Dr. Phil or something.

Ladies….let me ask you this? Has a dude ever left you and then acted like nothing was wrong? Has he moved on more quickly that is respectful? Has he dated before YOU think he should be dating? Well, it’s because he probably broke up with you a year ago, but failed to mention it to you. Did he act depressed before you broke up? Did he act angry? Did he act sad while you were still together? Chances are……he was breaking up with you. IN HIS HEAD.

I know! It’s shocking. To address this situation…..I have drafted an Open Letter to All Ex-Boyfriends Who Have Secretly Broken Up With Their Girlfriends And Not Told Them. Ladies, if you need to use this letter in future break-ups. Please do.

Dear Jackass.

You're a dick and you will never do better than me, so suck it.

Get out of my apartment immediately. And take your stanky ass sofas with you. By the way, I pee'd on them the other
night after you told me that it was over and that you wanted to leave me a year ago but didn’t know how to tell me.

Sincerely, The Best Thing You Ever Had.

PS, You’re (insert whatever 3rd grade word you like here, like: “Dumb.” “Ugly.” “Fat.” “Mean.”)

WWKD?

Dear Readers, I am coming out of the Music Snob Closet. I am a Kelly Clarkson Fan and my name is Kirsten.

And I didn’t even watch American Idol!!!! I came to this realization all on my own. I adore her and her nose ring and her new haircut and her cute little Texas accent. I love Breakaway. I love Behind These Hazel Eyes. I love Addicted.

Last night, I attended my first Kelly Clarkson concert at Shoreline Amphitheater. I say *first*, because there will be more. I shall celebrate Kelly’s entire body of work and will attend every one of her tours……it was that good. I shall take my unborn children to Kelly and tell them, “Whenever you are faced with indecision or crises, just ask yourself, ‘What Would Kelly Do?' Because Kelly has the answers.”

Case in point.....one could ask Kelly, "Kelly, should I wear my hair up or down at my friend's wedding in 2 weeks b/c I usually wear my hair up?" Kelly's Answer: "Take a chance, take a risk, make a change."

Thank you Kelly, I shall wear my hair DOWN.

Not only does Kelly have the answers…..Kelly has got the pipes. The girl has TALENT. Regardless if you like her music or not……there is no denying that she can sing well and entertain a crowd of pre-teens, teenagers, gay men, parents and some very conspicuous women in their, ahem, mid-30s who were NOT accompanying children to the show.

I don’t know why I like Kelly so much. I’m far too old to relate to her lyrics. I can’t really sing along b/c her range is WAY outta control. But I just find her lovely and refreshing and seemingly down to earth. Even if it’s all the work of her PR flack and she actually parties with Lindsay Lohan every weekend, I think that teenagers need to see a talented woman with a real nose and a real body REALLY singing songs that she obviously cares about (Ashlee Simpson, are you reading this?)

Plus, you just can’t deny that Since You’ve Been Gone is this generation’s I Will Survive.

Feh

I can't find a good book.

I started A Prayer for Owen Meany. Too religiousy.

I started Pledged. Way too annoying.

I started Auschwitz: A New History. Way too emotional.

I need a summer read, people. Help me out.
(And no, KK, I do NOT want to read My Friend Leonard.)