another open letter....

Today’s post is in honor of my friend Boo, who is currently going through the private hell called “Breaking Up with a Live-In Boyfriend Who Informed Her He Wanted To Break Up For a Year.”

Boo and I have been discussing her break-up at length for the past few days…..as girlfriends tend to do…….and we have realized why break-ups seem easier for men than women…..Because men secretly break-up with women WHILE THEY ARE STILL IN THE RELATIONSHIP, but they don’t tell the women they are breaking up.

Seriously, men go through all the emotions associated with the break-up WHILE they are still dating the woman….. and the woman just thinks that he’s going through a rough time so she is really supportive of him…….WHILE HE IS SECRETLY BREAKING UP WITH HER!

Omigod……we have TOTALLY just stumbled on to ground-breaking territory. I feel like I should call Oprah or Dr. Phil or something.

Ladies….let me ask you this? Has a dude ever left you and then acted like nothing was wrong? Has he moved on more quickly that is respectful? Has he dated before YOU think he should be dating? Well, it’s because he probably broke up with you a year ago, but failed to mention it to you. Did he act depressed before you broke up? Did he act angry? Did he act sad while you were still together? Chances are……he was breaking up with you. IN HIS HEAD.

I know! It’s shocking. To address this situation…..I have drafted an Open Letter to All Ex-Boyfriends Who Have Secretly Broken Up With Their Girlfriends And Not Told Them. Ladies, if you need to use this letter in future break-ups. Please do.

Dear Jackass.

You're a dick and you will never do better than me, so suck it.

Get out of my apartment immediately. And take your stanky ass sofas with you. By the way, I pee'd on them the other
night after you told me that it was over and that you wanted to leave me a year ago but didn’t know how to tell me.

Sincerely, The Best Thing You Ever Had.

PS, You’re (insert whatever 3rd grade word you like here, like: “Dumb.” “Ugly.” “Fat.” “Mean.”)