REVIEW: Neither Here Nor There

One of these days I'll get around to reviewing In an Sunburned Country, by Bill Bryson, because it's one of my favorite books for a lot of reasons. But today I shall discuss Neither Here Nor There: Travels in Europe, by the same author.

If you have ever read Bill Bryson's stuff, you realize that his travel books are not so much descriptions of the places he visits, but about his experiences with the people there, which is really a better way to write a travel book, if you ask me. Which you didn't, but I give my opinion freely.

Also, when I think about my own travels through Europe with my college Besty....we'll call her "Teeny".....I don't remember too many details about the Mozartplatz in Salzburg or the Spanish Steps in Rome. My lasting memories from our travels were more about the people we met along the way.

For instance, I have fond memories of Peter and Peter, two engineers traveling in Munich for work from Hamburg. Peter and Peter spend a long evening with us at a beerhall and after consuming vast amounts of sausages and biers with us, took pictures of Teeny as she danced on a table to a polka-inspired rendition of "Sweet Caroline." Even though I remember little of the evening past the dancing, Peter and Peter ensured our safe return to our hotel without trying to get in our pants, for which I am eternally grateful.

I also remember quite clearly the afternoon in Rome when Teeny, her mother and myself found ourselves inadvertently sharing a traditional Easter dinner with a Roman family at their family restaurant. We were unable to find a restaurant that was open and Patricia, the restaurant's hostess, took pity on us and set up a table for us next to the kid's table. The sun was setting, it was warm, the family was gracious, and it was the most amazing meal I ate in Europe. And for some reason that is still unclear to us, the family gave us a standing ovation as we left.

In this book, Bryson drinks his way through Oslo to Istanbul and records his experiences with cranky hoteliers and stinky bus passengers along the way. My favorite chapters were his accounts of seeing the northern lights in Oslo and trying not to get killed by Vespa drivers in Rome.

If you have spent any time traveling alone in Europe (KK, you will love it), I highly suggest this book.

My very first MEME

I picked this up from Dan, who I have loved ever since best friend Corky D (not her real name) and I lusted after the hot "business advisor" on Real World Miami.

I AM: tired of this pesky headcold.

I WANT: a glass of sangria, which I plan to have in exactly 3 hours with good friends Michael and Michael. (This will not help my headcold, but I don't care.)

I WISH: Boyfriend and I could afford our own home.

I HATE: the fact that I REALLY want to say Tom Cruise, because that would mean I CARE enough about Tom Cruise to hate him. But what the hell, I'll say Tom Cruise. He's such an easy target.

I MISS: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Six Feet Under.

I HEAR: how annoying I sound trying to clear this incessant phlegm out of my throat, so I can only imagine what they think over the cube wall.

I wonder: when I will stop caring about how much I weigh.

I REGRET: spending far too much time in a relationship that made me and those who love me very, very unhappy.

I AM NOT: always politically correct.

I DANCE: like a white girl who watched a lot of In Living Color when she was growing up.

I SING: along with Kelly Clarkson on my IPOD whenever I can.

I CRY: whenever I think about my gramma growing older.

I AM NOT ALWAYS: the best at returning phone calls.

I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: a lot of knitted blankets for all my friends who are having babies.

I WRITE: training implementation plans for work, and about books for fun.

I CONFUSE: my friend Kenneth when I explain to him that I can't stand chocolate, but I LOVE brownies.

I NEED: to dye the very large gray hair that is growing in the middle of my widow's peak.

I SHOULD: be working right now.

I START: a new job very soon and I'm kinda nervous.

I FINISH: every US Weekly magazine I have ever picked up.

Tiny Bubbles....

Ahhhh, I love Hawaii. In fact, I frequently order pina coladas in bar, which is probably the most annoying drink a bartender has to make, just because the taste of a pina colada reminds me of Hawaii.

I recently read Moloka'i by Alan Brennert because the cover had these really beautiful plumerias on the cover. And because it was about "the lepers", which have been a source of fascination since I was about 10 years old and I learned what a leper was at bible school. And because the author was a screenwriter for LA Law and LOVE me some witty banter between Corbin Bersen and his spunky red-headed assistant.

So, Moloka'i was pretty good. In fact, it was quite good. Long story short, it chronicled the life of Rachel Kalama as she grew up in Honolulu and was sent away to Moloka'i after she developed leprosy in 1890. She spent almost the rest of her life on the tiny remote island and the majority of the story details her grim life on Moloka'i.

Rachel lives to a fairly old age and watches (from a distance) as Hawaii became a state of the union, was attacked by the Japanese in WWII and was transformed from a sleepy little fishing town to the tourist trap that Waikiki is today.

Don't be fooled though. Rachel and her friends surf, go to school, date, marry and enjoy quite a full life on Moloka'i despite their challenges, like their fingers falling off. She shares her life with quite a cast of characters, including a native healer named Haleola, a transvestite named Leilani and eventually, her husband Kenji, a Japanese businessman.

I actually learned quite a bit about leprosy during my reading. For instance, I had no idea that they found a cure for what is now called Hansen's Disease. I also had no idea that the state of Hawaii was requiring all Hansen's Disease patients to be surgically sterilized before entering the mainland again. I learned that any leper who became pregnant had to immediately turn the baby over to be adopted. I also, unfortunately, learned more than I ever wanted to know about open sores and their treatment. Ick.

Now, I'll admit that the writing is not pulizer prize-winning and the ending was a wee bit contrived, but I highly recommend this book if you are looking for a quick fun read with a happy ending.

Reading: Boo's Detox

So, I have this friend Boo. She's really funny and smart and likes to rant and rave about stuff. She's amusing when she rants and raves.

She started a blog. She and I are starting a book club so she'll probably use her spot to discuss how annoying I can be at book club.

For instance, if any book clubber comes to book club with only $20 bills thus making it very difficult to tip the pizza guy, I become irrationally irate. That sorta thing.

Enjoy.

Deadwood

I haven't been posting too much lately, due in large part to the fact that I haven't been reading much. Alas, I have been playing Florence Nightingale to my recently-operated upon boyfriend, and we have been spending a lot of time watching movies and catching up on On Demand TV.

Now, I'm always the last one to jump on the bandwagon about anything, and I'm usually one or two seasons behind on good television. I started watching Six Feet Under during it's 4th season and had to spend 2 full weekends watching the DVDs to figure out why the heck Brenda and Nate were so completely fucked up. I didn't start watching Buffy until Season 5. And I missed the entire first season of Deadwood. I have just this weekend rectified that situation.

Afore-mentioned crippled boyfriend and I spent this weekend on the sofa drinking ginger ale and sharing his pain killers while watching all 12 hours of Deadwood. In fact, as we speak, he is downloading most of Season 2 (probably illegally, but no one knows his name so don't even try and have him arrested).

Deadwood is fanFUCKINGtastic, fellow readers (watch about 2 minutes of the show and you will realize why I'm swearing so much). Never have I felt this tender affection for a group of heroin-addicted, alcoholic, murdering whores, hustlers and pimps. Throw in a smolderingly attractive hardware salesman turned sheriff, a recently widowed damsel in distress, and foul-mouthed physician suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and color me HOOKED, folks.

And I haven't even waxed poetic about my love for Calamity Jane. Oh good lord, I j'adore dear Jane and endearing way she bellows "cocksucker" at everyone who crosses her path.

I implore you to put down your book and write to me immediately about your favorite character.

she's like butta......

Ok, so I'm really *trying* to learn how to cook. But it's hard when my favorite Burmese take-out joint is just a 5 minute walk away and, let's face it, I'm lazy.

Plus, I just don't think I inherited the cooking gene in my family. My sister is an excellent cook. She and her husband have this ability to work all day AND chase after a 2-year-old AND drive a 7-year-old to ballet lessons AND get the same 7-year-old to do her homework AND care for an extremely hyperactive dog AND an anti-social cat. Inevitably, when I call their house and ask what is going on, the answer is, "Just cooking some....insert name of delicious sounding food here."

If I lived her life, my kids would be eating Taco Bell bean burritos every single night.

But, I digress. Like I said, we are cooking at least twice a week now and I'm actually sort of enjoying it. And I love watching FoodTV. I love "Everyday Italian". I love "30 Minute Meals" (although I loathe Rachel Ray and her constant use of the word "yumm-O." Just stop, ok?) But my one true LOVE LOVE LOVE in the whole wide world is Paula Deen. Have you watched "Paula's Home Cooking?" Tivo it. Immediately. And then thank me.

Paula is brilliant. She seriously has it all figured out. Do you know the ingredient to eternal happiness? It's butter.

Yep. Paula Deen is seriously the happiest woman I have ever seen and I truly believe it's because she embraces butter. Nay, she willingly devours it. Ninety-nine percent of her recipes call for at least 1 stick of butter and the really good ones call for two sticks. And you know what? Paula is beautiful. Her hair, her skin, her laugh.....she stunning. Ok, so, she's a bit curvy, but she looks FABulous. I could learn a thing or two.

Which brings me to my long-winded segue into what I'm reading today: Paula Deen's Website. My coworkers and I are salivating over her lunch menu and wondering when our office cafe will begin offering shrinp and grits (served with a butter sauce, by the way).

......Omigod, she has cooking classes for $250. Sweetie, if you're reading.....we're going to Savannah........

Madras on Rainy Days

It's Saturday at 9:35, it's not raining for the first time in literally a month, I'm wearing my favorite sleep t-shirt, I just brewed myself a lovely pot of coffee and I am curled up on the sofa with my favorite blanket. My boyfriend is still sleeping so I had the chance to finish "Madras on Rainy Days", by Samina Ali.

This was a fair book. It definitely wasn't great, but I wish my book club was here right now so we could talk about it. It was definitely engaging enough for me to pick up my laptop at 9:37 on a Saturday morning to discuss it, so that is saying something.

First, what's good: The premise of the book is really quite interesting. Layla is a 19-year-old Muslim American who spends half her life in America and half her life in India. After intense pressure (and no doubt beatings from her abusive father), she agrees to an arranged marriage in India to Sameer, a man she has only met 3 or 4 times. Here's the catch: Layla is pregnant by an American and desperate to abort the baby, which she does with the help of some extra birth control pills and "jadu" (Muslim voodoo, essentially).

On Layla's wedding night, Sameer and Layla try and consummate the marriage only to discover that Sameer has searched her belongings and found her love letters from the American boyfriend, realizing that she is not a virgin. An uneasy truce is called between the newlyweds after Sameer asks Layla never to ask about his past, in return for his forgetting about her affair.

After this night, the newlyweds try to forge a relationship and plan their life together in America. In due course, and after repeated failed attempts at sex, Layla realizes that Sameer is gay. His family, who agreed to the marriage, is well aware of this fact.

Layla knows that Muslim women who divorce their husbands are subject to ridicule, beatings and, worse, her family would disown her. Layla find herself trapped in her marriage and India.

What's bad: It's a debut novel. I have an issue with debut novels. They are either amazing, or they suck out loud. This book doesn't really suck out loud, but Samina Ali uses about 26 words, when two will suffice. Her dialogue between Layla and Sameer is so stiff and unrealistic, I wanted to ask the author if she has EVER talked to a man in her life.

For instance, after Layla realizes her husband is gay and after his lover has followed them on her honeymoon and AFTER Sameer has told her that she "belongs" to him and he won't allow her to leave him.....she BEGS him to have sex with her. I mean, she begs him. It's painful.

Now, I'm not Muslim. I'm not 19. And I'm not married to a gay man. But I think if I WERE any of these things, the LAST thing going through my mind would be sex. I THINK I would be thinking "How they hell do I get my ass on a plane home?"

Another problem I had was that Layla's decision making would turn on a dime, and I never understood why. Before she found out Sameer was gay, he was basically refusing to have sex with her and would leave her alone with his parents for all hours of the day, which just wasn't very nice, in my opinion. It was at this point that Layla decides that she loves him and wants to stay in India. WHA? I. just. don't. get. it.

Also, about 30 pages before the book's end, the author makes a major Muslim versus Hindu political religious statement and kills off a major character in a really horrible way. This just seemed like such an obvious plot device to allow Layla to make the decision we all knew she NEEDED to make......which was leave the marriage.

Ok, I just gave away the ending, but you knew she was going to do it, didn't you?

Overall, it was interesting, but unbelievable.

I'm still hoping that the bloggosphere will reveal a great book to me. Any suggestions, dear readers?

Desperately Seeking Good Book

Long time no talk.

I took a little break from blogging while I was dealing with some work drama. As I mentioned before, this will not be an area where I bitch and moan about work, but believe me, I could. Actually, I think my boyfriend would love it if used this space as my sounding board for the fury and rage I feel toward a team of evil and maniacal contractors who are making my life and the lives of my coworkers a living and breathing hell. Poor boyfriend gets a lot of my fury and rage right now. Sorry sweetie.

Anyway, I am in the frame of mind where I can't seem to find a good book. I am currently reading about 4 books right now and none of them are inspiring me to finish. I hate that.

Can ya'll email me what you are reading right now? Any suggestions? My only requirement is that I can buy it in paperback so I can take it to the gym.

Thanks!