An open letter to Britney Spears' Best Friend

Dear Best Friend of Britney Spears (BFOBS)

First off, let me state that I know your job is hard and I don’t envy you. She’s tough. First there was the whole unfortunate cheating on Sweet Justin debacle, then there was the whole “Madonna is my best friend, not you” incident, THEN there was the time she made you wear a pink terrycloth tracksuit at her bachelorette party with the word “MAID” on it, like you are her personal servant or something……..and I won’t even start on Kevin because I know that you are tired of him trying to get in your pants and it’s a bit of a sticky subject.

Now, I realize you are tired, and I would be too if I had your daily routine of ensuring that: 1) she is at least semi-dressed when she leaves the house, 2) she is always within walking distance of a 711 so that when she and KFed have ANOTHER argument about the Las Vegas hookers who keep dropping by during Sean P’s naps, she has an inexhaustible supply of Doritos and Big Gulps on hand, 3) Sean P is always safely secured in his car seat and high chair (good idea hiring that Manny, by the way. It’s always best to admit to your own limitations).

But really. Matt Lauer. Was at her house. Matt FREAKIN’ Lauer was at her house and you didn’t perform a major intervention when you saw her? Now here, BFOBS, you have completely fallen down on the job.

I know you were probably too busy trying to move all of Kevin’s belongings upstairs from the basement to make it looks like they were actually still speaking to each other, so I have created a small check list of To-Do’s the next time Matt comes to the door.

1. Britney’s fake hair should appear to have been washed within the last week.
2. Britney’s face should appear to have been washed within the last week.
3. Britney should not be chewing gum.
4. Britney’s fake lashes should not resemble an attack tarantula.
5. Britney should not be wearing a skirt so short she is flashing Matt.
6. Britney’s engorged breasts should not be trying to escape the confines of a shirt that she wore 5 years ago.
7. Britney should not be wearing platform Payless ShoeSource slides.
8. Britney should sit up straight.
9. Britney should know how pregnant she is when asked.
10. Britney should not say “I like money.” Ever.

I think might help. I have some other suggestions, mostly to do with possibly getting her high school diploma, moving out of LA to raise her children, and leaving that rat bastard KFed, but for the time being, let’s stick to the above, because I know you have your hands full.

Best,

Kirsten